Being Light

Living Simply on Lived Experiences

2010-08-08T12:14:00.005-04:00

I've always been a proponent of living simply, living without bad debt (e.g. a bad debt can be carrying credit card debts vs good debt such as paying down a mortgage), and consuming things strategically for a lived experience. Since the recession of 2008, more and more consumers have been saving more and spending less. Some have been forced to save because of job loss, health crisis or some life-changing events. Others do so because the recession of 2008 triggered an epiphany, a sudden realization that the modern form of consumerism is ultimately unsustainable from an environmental, ecological and philosophical perspective.

Over the past couple of years, there have been so many articles and websites that have celebrated the art of living simply and/or living the experience of one's passion. I like to share some of my favorites.

But Will It Make You Happy?

A New York Times article that articulates what type of spending makes people happy. Not surprisingly, a study indicates that spending money for an experience produces longer-lasting satisfaction than spending money on plain old stuff.

Shareable: Sharing By Design

Inspiring stories of people who have taken the initiative to change their lives for the better - for themselves and their families, for their communities and for their environment.

Couple trades corporate life for bakery

Window farmers in urban settings

Nurturing vegetable gardens in unlikely settings

Grounding the American Dream: A Cultural Study on the Future of Consumerism in a Changing Economy

A report by Context Research on post-recession consumerism

What are your favorites?

Jennifer Aniston's "Samantha" Moment

2008-12-22T14:12:00.007-05:00

The recent publicity and commentaries over Jennifer Aniston’s nude cover for GQ made me recall a Sex and the City episode, in which Samantha decided to pose nude just so she can look back years from now and remembered how hot she was.

Miranda: Isn't that a little narcissistic?
Samantha: No one thinks it's narcissistic when you get your seventh grade picture taken.
Charlotte: You weren't naked in that.
Carrie: That we know of.

Much has been speculated about Jennifer Aniston’ motives for her skin-baring turn:

Showing the Ex (and by extension, the mistress turned partner) what he is missing
Showing the world that the “new” Jennifer Aniston is still sexy and youthful, with a hot body even at 39-turning-40 years old.
Doing the cover to reflect a confident, independent and empowered woman
To promote her upcoming film.

Putting my own two cents out there, I think that Jennifer had her “Samantha” moment. As she approaches a big birthday milestone, turning 40 (yikes!), the inevitability of aging and turning middle age must seem like a scary proposition, especially for someone whose career success was determined by the public’s perception of the wholesome girl-next-door, albeit with a few sexy covers along the way. Well, that ‘girl’ will soon be 40 years old, has had a very public marriage and a tumultuous divorce, as the dumpee wife, and is still striving to be taken as a talented, “serious” actor, rather than to be known as the one with the cute haircut from the Friends ensemble.

The GQ photo shoot was Jennifer Anniston’s attempt to take back her public image and re-write it for the not-too-far future where at 50 years of age, she hopes to be no longer defined by a failed marriage.

As well, how many of us have from time to time looked back at our younger self and said, “I looked good!” That kind of perspective comes from having experienced the ups and downs of a well-lived life.

In Jennifer’s case, in looking back 20 years after the GQ cover, no matter the quality and tenor of life she has led in the interim, she can still marvel that at almost 40, she can still reign supreme in the celebrity cover game.

Stuff Can Kill You

2008-12-01T15:00:00.017-05:00

A Wal-Mart worker died, while four shoppers, including a woman eight months pregnant, were injured during "Black Friday", a day after Thanksgiving. Photos of the crowd at the Long Island location were caught on camera.

The eyewitness accounts are horrifying to read:

"He was bum-rushed by 200 people. They took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me."

"They were jumping over the barricades and breaking down the door. Everyone was screaming. You just had to keep walking on your toes to keep from falling over."

"When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, 'I've been on line since Friday morning!' They kept shopping."

Read the full story here.

I admit that the title of this blog posting is disingenuous. No, stuff cannot kill you, but the desire to own stuff at all costs (i.e. human life, ecological destruction, energy consumption) is the psychological baggage that weighs us down from living a more soulful, compassionate and creative life.

It seems to me that this tragic incidence symbolizes the fear that ordinary people have for their jobs or job prospects, their ability to save or pay off their mortgages, their children's future and maintaining their current lifestyle. Rather than spending Black Friday connecting or visiting with their family and friends, there was an urgency to buy more stuff cheaply before it was all too late. Before they lose their jobs and cannot buy anymore stuff. Before their wages are frozen and cannot buy that Apple iPod as a Christmas present to his or her child. As the crowd lined up at pre-dawn waiting for the doors to open at 5 a.m. (and as this scenario was repeated throughout the country), might not the sense of anticipation arising from this crowd also carried with it a mixture of fear of the coming economic turmoil and what it could mean to their lifestyle?

David Wann said that "the things we value the most - meaning, purpose, relationships, and time to enjoy life - are being swept away. The burning question is, Can we wake up in time to make personal and social changes that can still prevent cultural death-by-overconsumption?"

Finding Meaning in My Life

2008-10-09T15:15:00.005-04:00

This past year, when I scaled back from full-time employment, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. I enjoyed the time to pursue my interests without worrying too much about the consequences of not fully investing into my retirement fund.

In fact, having to become frugal and to enjoy it became somewhat of a personal manifesto. Instead of using my car for errands, I used public transportation. I reduced my 'want' (it's not a 'need') to shop for new clothes, electronic devices or any such discretionary items. (I did miss having an employer-sponsored dental and medical plans, but for now, as long as I remain healthy, I can easily self-insure myself.) I started to think more about how I was living my life, the choices I made and my unfulfilled dreams.

Being single and childless, I didn't have another person in my life to project or validate these life decisions and wishes. Often times, I hear parents (mothers mostly, to be honest) say that their children provide them with self-fulfillment and meaning. There is an undeniable bond between mother and child. But, can one reduce the meaning of life so irreducibly to human relationships?
Is human connection the only meaning to life? As I spent this past year finding deep connections within me to create a stronger, more self-aware person, did I neglect another important aspect of life - creating bonds with others?

Living Through an "Economic Crisis" as a Self-Employed

2008-10-01T17:05:00.005-04:00

The decade is not over yet and, already, I have lived through three so-called economic crisis: the dot-com bubble in 2000; the 9/11 fallout; and, currently, the credit crisis of 2008. Other past economic downturns (e.g. 1987 Black October) did not have quite an impact on my psychological and financial well-being because, frankly, I was living the life of an aspiring student: no mortgage, very little personal financial investments, and some student debt.

Flash forward to now. While the economy teeters into recession or, would that be depression ... I really can't keep up with media pundits ... I am midway through a 10-week entrepreneurial training program. After going through an application process that forced me to clarify my business vision, I received the call that passed me into the program.

Truth to be told, I felt equivocal about accepting the nod to formalize my entry into the self-employed world. Although I have been independently contracting since my layoff, there was still a side of me that thought that state would be temporary. In this day and age, should I have opted to look for full-time work, hunker down with my constant stream of bi-weekly paychecks and wait out the economic storm? The statistics are against me. Over 50% of new start-ups fail before their fourth year anniversary (source: Start-up Failure Rates).

In an economic downturn, companies are going to reduce their spending, may layoff a portion of their employees, who will then reduce their discretionary spending, which will likely affect my business' bottom line, in my inability to sell my service, because potential customers may defer from buying in order to reduce their spending ... I think you get the picture.

This is my fear asserting itself.

What saves me is the optimism that flows from the participants of the entrepreneurial training program. There is approximately 40 of us in this particular group. We range in age from our 20s to our 60s, a disproportionate of them women, with a wide range of employment history, and a diverse mix of business ideas from e-commerce, photography, crafts, fashion design, music, to business services, just to name a few.

Their stories inspire me. The workshops, given by competent business advisers who themselves are entrepreneurs, motivate me. Yes, I can do this, and be successful at it, as defined by my own terms. I define the success of my endeavor by the values I choose to live my life. In the last few months, they have been time and freedom, not by how much money I make, how much my home is worth, or my net worth. As an independent contractor, this way of thinking provides me with the freedom to choose the projects that inspire me, or to work with people that I respect.

As the economic gloom deepens around me, with family, friends and colleagues fearful of their job or financial security, I look at my entrepreneurial training program as a just-in-time gift that provides me with the skill to thrive (hopefully) in this uncertain time. I know that I am blessed to be surrounded by people - the entrepreneurs in training - with their "can do" spirit.

A Former "It" Girl

2008-08-26T15:39:00.007-04:00

The Women, a not-yet-released remake of the 1939 George Cukor film.

I remember watching the 1939 George Cukor film, The Women, late one night. It was probably broadcasted by public television. It’s one of those films, black and white, reflective of its time that only a filmophile can appreciate, and no commercially driven private broadcasters would touch, even for the 1 a.m. dead zone (“is there anyone out there?”)

The 2008 remake of this film stars Meg Ryan, the ‘it’ girl from the late 1980s to the 1990s. Back then, watching Meg Ryan act in her various movies, I felt that this woman could have been one of my best friends. An unassuming, nice person, whose prettiness was accessible to any ordinary women. By accessible, I mean that you felt her prettiness can fit in your ordinary world, just one of the gals.

After You Got Mail, nothing noteworthy in terms of her career or her films entered my radar, except for the Russell Crowe blip. When I heard that Meg Ryan was going to star in the The Women, I was curious about two things:

One, I wanted to see how a 1930s pre-feminist world of class consciousness and upper-class marital relationships was going to play out in 2008.

And secondly, how has this former “It” girl evolved over the last 10 years, now that she’s in her late 40s. Aging gracefully under the glare of the paparazzi? Trying to stay relevant and employed in an industry that worships youthfulness? With all these pressures, I was rooting for her to stay above the artificiality of Hollywoodland, and remain true to that image that I had of her and that her movie characters reflected.

The first curiosity will be more easily satisfied than the second. And in the end, why should I care? I don’t know Meg Ryan and her movies have tangentially touched me as nothing more than fun escapism. So I say to her, “you go girl”.

"Women are Disappearing From the Workforce"

2008-07-25T00:04:00.018-04:00

Sounds like a sci-fi horror title. However, a recent New York Times article seems to give that impression. It recently published a story about a trend happening in the American labor scene. The article is controversially entitled, "Women Are Now Equal as Victims of Poor Economy" (registration required). According to the story, since the beginning of the decade, the percentage of women at work has fallen. Reasons for this trend were varied: economic downturns, layoffs, outsourcing, stagnant wage or pay cut. The so-called "motherhood movement" was not even a factor.

The facts as outlined: 74.9% of women in their prime working years, 25-54, worked in 2000. By 2007, it was 72.7%, not a huge decline, but the study that provided this statistics claimed that it erased more than 12 years of gains for women. As a mid-life woman, I was curious to know what is the proportion of women over 40 who opted out of the workforce.

So, why are women withdrawing from the workforce now? Well, the issues the story exposes are complex, and having to do with gender inequality, socioeconomic status, class and education, among other things. Underlying all these macro factors are the experiences of the women that are profiled in the story, and the numerous women who willingly revealed their situation in the comments section. They were realistic, authentic, riveting and sometimes, heart-breaking. I read the comments to see if there were any stories there that reflected back on my current life priorities and decisions. And came away feeling that each story is unique to its storyteller.

To answer my question then, why are women withdrawing from the workforce now, I should look at myself for the answers.

When I got laid off from my fairly comfortable job, I didn't initiate a serious search for a comparable position. Instead, I took on contract work, usually part-time. Just enough to pay the bills. I wanted the time to re-evaluate my life, trying to see where it could be heading if I decide to continue on the treadmill of corporate life. In the six months since then, while I must be careful of my spending, the beneficial results have been to reduce my consumption of 'stuff' and to take pleasure in pursuing the activities that interest me.

Yet, the current economic doom and gloom is also a reason in keeping me loosely tethered to the workforce. I have kept a presence as an independent contractor, and I may continue on this route for awhile. I work for myself at half what I would normally earn at half the time. But the other half has allowed me to pursue start-up opportunities, which I may not have otherwise taken under my old life. Again, trade-offs. My age, skills, talents, education and personal resources are all factors in my decision to take a different path. Is it risky? You bet so. No employer, employer-sponsored health plans, benefits and pension. Whose to say my decision today will not backfire 10 years from now?

So I keep my options open, continue to learn and pursue my interests, and if the need arises, jump back on the treadmill, run for a bit, and then get off again when I feel like it.

The Graying Life

2008-07-07T22:23:00.010-04:00

My hair started graying when I was in my late 30s. And I fought it tooth and nail - first with the inexpensive, home-dyed coloring, sacrificing a towel now and then, and finally, once I had more money, the regular trip to the salon and the colorist every couple of months. As any mid-life women know, gray hairs are a very tenacious, resistent bunch. Within a couple of weeks of the salon visit, a few grays would start to peak out amidst the colored strands. And yet, I persisted. At that time of my life, I worked in a very youth-oriented field of business - new media, multimedia, interactive media - however one called it, the image was one of youthful energy. In all my time, I cannot recall any women with permanent gray hairs. Men, yes, and unfairly described as being "distinguished".

In the last year, I've started to think seriously about letting my 'natural' highlights shine through. My resistance was waning. First, it was the sheer energy of having to schedule the two-hour salon trips within a busy schedule. Secondly, I began to notice something odd about middle-aged and retirement-aged couples. In a crowd of them, it sticks out like a sore thumb - where you have predominantly greying and/or balding men accompanied by women of the same age cohorts, but wondrously lacking in gray hairs. Clearly, the social pressure on women to provide the illusion of youth touches all generations. Finally, I was walking towards the salon on yet another trip when I noticed a tall, slim woman crossing the street towards me. Her short, curly, salt and peppery hairstyle framed a tanned face with sharp angles. She was clearly a woman in the mid-life stage but her appearance was stylish and attractive. That was the moment when I decided to gradually wean myself from hair coloring.

Admittedly, it hadn't been smooth sailing. There had been a couple of times when the salt & pepper look induced me to head back to the salon for cover, the last one being a little over 3 months ago. But to remain true to my goal of effortless being - to accept the flow of life - I will remain steadfast, and let my natural highlights shine through. Who knows what this process will reveal about myself? I would hope that going gray will not diminish my sense of self, my self-esteem and my confidence as I deal with a youth-obsessed world. I will see in the coming days and months ...

The Alternate Reality of Viagra

2008-06-19T18:55:00.003-04:00

I turn on the TV, cue commercial and it’s selling Viagra. Lately, I’ve been paying closer attention to the Viagra commercials, especially with the ones that include women. The content structure is more or less identical. Handsome, silver-fleck haired man, between 50ish-60ish, has a knowing look on his face. His wife or girlfriend (more likely the former, but sometimes it’s left unclear) breaks into a Mona Lisa-like smile. Her body transforms itself in anticipation. I pay no attention to the man in the story, but the woman’s role intrigues me.

I have no statistics to refer to, but I wonder, are wives and female partners happy and willing to accommodate their men when the latter get into that mood? I mean, what if you’re doing the laundry or mopping the floor, or just returned from 8 hours of brain-dead work, and your randy partner sneaks up behind you ready to light your fire? Can you summon up enough energy to spark a flame? And, if you’re willing and able, do you have four hours in your day to devote to one task. This is one activity that precludes multi-tasking. (Well, ideally.) What if you say ‘no, not now, dear’? Do you feel guilty for not being supportive of your male partner, whose self-esteem is inversely related to his erectile dysfunction condition? What do you do under these circumstances?

The commercials, not surprisingly, are from a man’s perspective, and the woman is merely a silent, compliant being. Truly, it has changed the lives of men, but has it changed the lives of women for the better? I’m curious to know because implicitly, the target market for Viagra includes the female partners and these ads don't leave me wanting for the day when I might be.

What's Another Word for Boyfriend?

2008-06-03T20:32:00.011-04:00

I have been in a romantic relationship for the last five years with a man. We're both single, in our 40s, never been married, and not living together, and no plans to co-habitate.

When we are together on social occasions, he introduces me as his 'girlfriend', or alternatively I introduce him as my 'boyfriend'. This whole 'girlfriend'/'boyfriend' label makes me uncomfortable. To some extent, it feels juvenile and transitory, as if hearkening back to my high school days. And yet, when I search for a more appropriate term reflective of our maturity, monogamy and heterosexuality, no words come to mind that can cover the nuances of the relationship.

The words I've come across are all perfectly valid but seem so earnest and aspiring while one-sided in some respect, and perhaps with even a slight touch of neediness thrown in:

1. romantic partner
2. significant other
3. life companion
4. life partner
5. lover
6. special friend

I won't even come near those slangy terms (e.g. "my other half", "my man"). There is also the fact-based, but cop-out approach, which involves referring to him as "my friend". Or, I can entirely avoid the label itself, and just use the first name as part of the introduction ("This is Paul ..."), and let the other party infer the nature of the relationship.

I may not totally give up on the term "boyfriend" if no other word comes to mind. After all, it does conjure up a nostalgic view of my teen or early adult self meeting someone new and the promise of that relationship. That feeling, I hope, I will never outgrow, even with the man I am with now.

Less is More

2008-05-29T14:25:00.009-04:00

I'm flipping through the pages of More magazine (tagline: celebrating women over 40). I admit it ... I bought a one year's subscription pre-layoff. I'm not intending to renew the subscription. As I mentioned before, I'm cutting unnecessary "stuff" and More would qualify in that category.

I have a hate/love relationship with More. On one hand, I do appreciate its focus on empowering women by providing inspirational stories of real-life women as role models. But on the other hand, nowhere in the pages of More will you see any over-40 models carrying that middle-aged spread, or be graying, wrinkling or sagging. Even the models who are in their 50s can pass for being in their 30s under certain lighting conditions.

Yes, I know, the business of beauty (and despite More's mission statement) is to push the standard of beauty that sells products. So their models are glammed up, made up and brushed up. But would it destroy their bottom line if the editors of More take a little bit of a risk in selecting models that the majority of women can identify with?

As an average-looking woman in my mid-40s (and soon to be on the late side), I like to see at least a selection of models that reflects the women in my neighborhood, community and city. More prides itself on choosing "real" women as models, but based on what I have seen in the pages of the magazine, I can't help but wonder if More's criteria are:

1. A More model doesn't have to be catwalk thin, but still slim and toned enough for any type of clothes to hang well and not show any mid-life rolls in the usual places (dare I say belly and back shoulder fat).

2. A More model exudes a healthy glow that can only come from spending 3 times a week at the gym, having once-a-month facials, participating in healthy, physical activities, such as yoga, golfing, and tennis (do over-40 women really have all that free time for themselves).

3. A More model has bright, glossy hair without one strand of gray hair to be seen (requiring a monthly visit to the salon for such high maintenance).

4. A More model is allowed subtle and discreet cosmetic interventions (a la Demi Moore).

5. A More model's smile must show off the brightest, whitest, pearly teeth imaginable (for nothing ages a woman than yellowing, stained teeth).

In spite of the perception that More projects, I say kudos to those women selected to be More models, for they have realized their passion and interests, whether that involves expressing it on the pages of More or in their life.

Being Light of "Stuff"

2008-05-28T10:04:00.020-04:00

When I got laid off from my job as a product designer for a software development company, I felt the usual gamut of emotions ranging from disbelief, betrayal, powerlessness to acceptance. The initial "I can't believe it's happening to me...again" made way to "I see this as an opportunity to start over". Hmm, start over? Re-make my life into one that fills me with meaning, joy, adventure and spirit? Perhaps, only in my dreams.

What I was thinking of was to peel away the layers of wants, desires, and the physical and emotional baggage that have enveloped me for the last 10 years. Since I entered my best earning years in my mid-30s, I also seemed to have acquired a looser attitude towards the acquisition of "stuff". Stuff of everyday life that clutters my physical and emotional space. This "stuff" can be as prosaic as electronic devices or people who belongs in the periphery of my life, but push themselves into the center from time to time. I took the lay-off as an opportunity to de-clutter my life from all this "stuff".

One "stuff" that I unloaded was the concept of a "permanent employee". This decision was not taken lightly. In all my 20 years of working life, I have worked as a so-called "permanent employee" for a company. This has also include two lay-offs along the way (ironic given the "permanent" status of my employment). I had no plans to start my own business. In my field, if you're not working for a company, you're working on hire for others as a contractor or consultant.

In deciding to work as a contractor, I seriously considered what it meant to my financial security since I was on my own. There was no trust fund, or lottery winnings, or a fully employed spouse for back up. I was on my own. It was a risk to take, but I decided to take it. In that regard, I'm no different from many mid-life women, according to author Barbara Moses, whose book Dish: Midlife Women Tell the Truth about Work, Relationships and the Rest of Their Life, provides a revealing glimpse of the career options that mid-life women are taking at this stage of their life. In return, I hoped to gain time ... a more precious commodity than all the "stuff" I own or populate my life.